You spin my head right round, right round

Things are so hectic over here.. Between tons of work, the shop coming up and small man's birthday, I am totally torn mentally, emotionally and financially... SO much stuff, and it feels like everything is happening at the same time.. I am sure people revel in chaotic situations, unfortunately I am not one of them. I prefer my problems, one at a time, thank you very much.

More to come soon

Right Round - Flo Rida

I don't have the heart

Is it possible to fall out of love with someone and fall into the valley of 'like'? I look at you, sitting across the table from me, and sigh to myself... I know in my heart, that we are on two different sides of the ocean - you love me, not because of me but because you have no one else, and I, i don't know what to do... The worst thing is, to be stuck here and in a position where you don't know what to do. Two different personalities, two different views...

I want to love you, i really do but i know it wont be true to you.. Its not that i didn't try, i truly did and now, i don't know whats left. You may think i have led you on, you may think i have someone else, but i truly don't.. but i cant handle 'us' anymore.

the accusations you throw at me, I just have to accept and leave aside. i shouldn't have to justify what i have done and you have no right to make me feel bad for being me. Should I?

There are times you make it easy for me to hate you, does that make it easier for you to hate me? I have always tried to do right by you and right by me, but should i have to feel guilty when i have done nothing wrong?

i have cried so much, and just when i think i don't have tears left, they spring up again like water rising from dried up spouts, and gush down into puddles in my palms. but is it me, or is it you or is it something else entirely?

to answer your eternal question - "where did we go wrong?" - i guess the answer is, "where did we ever go right?" We looked for answers in places that wasn't there and we made up our responses to suit our situation. We needed another person in our lives, to fulfill the loneliness we felt. Unfortunately, we realized only now that this puzzle was not to be.

Love should not be hard, it should not be painful. And i am tired of love, I am tired of the sadness it brings. I know i am not perfect, i don't expect to be but i shouldn't have to feel bad for what and who i am, when i have done nothing wrong to warrant it. But its a long road ahead and i will have to travel on it alone, dodging the accusations by all along its path, avoiding the traps of hatred and speed bumps of manipulation as they come along and somehow stay strong.

I don't have the heart - James Ingram

Sometimes we do need a laugh

The Golden Rule (Three-way) (C) SNL 2011



One of my favorite skits on SNL - "Bring it on down to..."

The second hand unwinds

There's nothing worse than feeling lost.. I think a close second is, knowing someone needs help, but nothing you can do will help. Both go hand in hand in the situation I am in today. Its hard to get into so I rather not go into it today.. But I just feel like there's no right answer to this issue. One is damned if you go with one decision, and screwed if you go with the other choice.

I know I am no saint, and certain choices I have made are questionable at most, but some scenarios in your life are just so difficult. I don't know. I hate feeling like I don't have an answer, and it just kills me that I cannot solve my problem.

Is it selfish to say, you don't love that person anymore? Because you cannot take care of them.. That nothing in your relationship makes sense.. The only reason to stay is the reason to go.. feeling so lost at the moment

This post, even though it is so short, took me 2-3 days to write. My mind is so confused and I have no idea whether I am coming or going.. Will be MIA for a wee while.

Time after Time - Cyndi Lauper

I need to know if what I'm doing is right

Don't we all.. I think in a previous posting, I said one of the most human traits we all share is the concept of reassurance. We never know whether what we are doing is right but reassurance that we are going on the right path, always helps.

I've had a crazy mind-bending weekend and its not of the good variety. Things between the hubby and me aren't that great, it has its moments of bliss and then doubt. Sometimes I feel someone with bipolar disorder. I don't know whether we are together because we have to be - I don't want him to go off the deep end without me, but with me, he has so many hopes and dreams that we will work out but honestly, we are so different. But also I want what's best for our child. Its such a catch-22, I really do not know what I should do. Should I be with someone who is mentally unstable but it will be good for my boy? Or should I do what's right for me and run the risk that something could happen to me/him/my son? I have no idea..

The thing is, anything can trigger him off.. Whether it is the mention of a guy friend, or my workouts at the gym, or just a casual conversation about work.. And the thing is, I am not someone who really filters what is in my mind, not exactly a redeeming quality I do realize (hence I have a blog where my entries are usually flow of thought - except for spell check). For example, when we went to see Thor, there was one particular scene where Thor is covered in mud. What is my reaction - I actually said out loud in front of my husband - "Now, I wish I could scrub that man off".. not exactly the smartest thing to do, but ladies, if you see that scene, you know what I am talking about.. yum.. Ok, I digress.. But see what I mean, not exactly smart but that can cause a wee bit of jealousy in him. Not that I know Chris Hemsworth personally and will actually wash the man, but the thought of it is enough to make him feel insecure.

I don't want to hurt him either, by staying around and pretending - is it fair to him (it may help him in the short run) or to me? Its a very frustrating situation. Now, this may sound like an excuse to party like a rock star and mess around, but honestly, its not. That's not what I want, I want to firstly be a good mother to my lovely boy. Later on, if I meet someone who I can imagine a future with, great.. if not, what to do. But I just want to be happy..

But being single and a mum, that's a scary situation too.. You meet all kinds of weirdos, believe me, they are the same ones who find me attractive (and no, I don't have a third eye, or extra limbs) and I rather not deal with that. Maybe I should join a book club or some intellectual organizations where I will meet more quality people? Hmmm I don't know... Or maybe I should just travel abroad a while, take my little guy and spend some time with family abroad. A change might do us all good?

I think what it is as well, we women tend to think about everyone else than ourselves.. we seem to be the lowest of our priorities. Everyone else's concerns are much more higher up on the list. I am guilty of this as well. But I don't know where this journey will take me...

Hmmm

Don't turn off the lights - Enrique Iglesias

And baby I'm lost at sea...

See, I am not all about the R-rated stuff... If you have a heart, I know you'll think this is cute as I do :-)

Cute - Stephen Jerzak

The best thing in life is free, but you can give it to the birds an' bees

Is it just me, or does our wallets eat our money? I swear, the minute I manage to get some cash into my hands, it just finishes in no time... Its not like I am a shopaholic, honestly, I am not.. my son even needs some new pants, and I haven't had the time to go shopping.. But with groceries, and bills, it never seems enough. Where does it all go?

Who ever said, the best things in life are free obviously did not live in SL. Even air, which is technically "free" is now polluted, and practically everyone is having some throat ailment.. So much for being free.

I read somewhere, that people are encouraged to grow their own vegetables in their gardens and someone had also said that that vegetables are going to be grown on the roadside. The kicker is, no one supposed to pick them up. Ok, one cannot even grow flowering bushes on the sides of their houses, because people will come along and collect the flowers for visits to the temple, and we expect vegetables to last? Come on, are our politicians that naive?

Cost of living is increasing at such a rate.. Vegetables, meats, fish - everything is up in price, and on the other side of the page, politicians are lamenting about malnutrition and high levels of sickness of people in this country. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see the link between these two factors...

I am sure I am not the only one who has lost complete faith in our political system.. I am trying not to take sides in the political debates in this country, not because I am a copout, its just a waste of time, because its only talk and no action here. But someone does need to stand up and say, look - people are getting poorer and are not able to feed their families. Especially the urban poor. In the villages, people are able to grow their vegetables, have their chickens roaming their yards and somehow can manage. You and I, with our fancy cars and Internet connections, will be able to somehow manage. But what about all the people who barely make enough to get a packet of milk for their kids.

The best thing is, they end up voting for the same idiots who roam around in big cars and entourages, guzzling and belching gasoline all over the streets and accept handouts from everyone. I thought they were supposed to work for the people, and the people do not end up working for them... So much for that!

I am sure with all the monies that is spent on road work, and development, we can focus on some of it to bring down subsidies or enable some scheme to make food stuffs cheaper for the normal person living here. Its not like the money for road works is going to good use, after one spell of rain, the roads are back to being damaged and messed up and closed off for more repairs.. hmmm

I need some money - John Lee Hooker

You've gotta give for what you take

For my 13th post (how lucky) - I thought I would talk about freedom.. Although by definition, it means being independent. But is anyone truly free? It seems freedom is a double-edged sword, choice of opportunity cost.. In order to get something, something else must be sacrificed.

I always use love/sex/marriage/friendship as examples but go with me on this... Before I got married and I am sure, like most single people out there, I had an idea what marriage was like. No, I wasn't completely naive to think that love would be ever-lasting and I would be singing my heart out in praises of my man 24/7... But I never imagined I would end up the way I am..

[Side note - I am always amused when I listen to single friends talk about the "praises" of marriage - "I would never cheat on my wife/husband.. I will be devoted to them..." Yes, unfortunately that is the tone initially but after day in and day out of being together, things change.. Being girlfriend and boyfriend is so very different than husband/wife.. Things get serious very fast - but this is a topic for another day]

Don't get me wrong, its not that I do not love hubby, like I said, we are working through our share of issues... But you will never always get everything you want in one person. You will never get the understanding without the jealousy, the faithful man etc. Every human has his/her weaknesses and I think marriage tends to bring the worst out of us.. Maybe its because we feel we can let our hair down since we have settled down... A good example is, most people tend to put on weight after they get married.. You can relax, no need to impress the other person.. So you just basically let yourself go... Not just physically but all your mental hangups come into view..

Now what does this have to do with freedom? Well, for example, I am a person who values my freedom. I need my space, my independence, my tendency to roam so to speak.. Yes, I am a mum and a wife, but there are days, I just want to be "me". So I sometimes sacrifice my time I could spend with my kid/hubby and go out with girlfriends and enjoy myself. That doesn't mean I don't love my family any less, its just that I need to do this to retain my sanity.

Or here's another hypothetical example. You can be happily married but your sex life could be going through a funky stage. You are not happy with your partner and wish you could spice it up a little. But you don't want to hurt your partner by suggesting that they should change their ways. So you look at other options - maybe have a friends-with-benefits on the side. Again, it doesn't mean you don't love your partner, maybe you need that change. But then are you willing to sacrifice your relationship by doing this? Yes, one side there is freedom and independence and who knows, maybe by adding some spice, you can revive your relationship. But on the other side, you can hurt your partner.. Of course, if that person doesn't find out, that's another story...

Freedom - George Michael

I walk around trying to understand

So says the insomniac... Its almost 2am and I still cannot sleep.. I guess lots on my mind and here I am, on the blogosphere, trying to sort out my thoughts and emotions.. Don't judge, its not like there's many people up at this time...

Anyway, things I am trying to work through :-
I am currently relocating my clothing store - I have found a place (yay!) within my budget (double yay!) but still the negotiations are not finalized and I am hoping it will work out. Until that is done, I won't be able to organize the shop, which is stressing me out. Plus, I have to buy some stocks for the new place and again, I can't do that until the discussions are complete. I am temporarily moving into another spot, but again, that place isn't very organized either.. I have to organize "We are moving" brochures, but again until this place is confirmed, I cannot start on anything - major stress!!

The cause for the delay was due to a small surgery I had, but still it feels like time is just flying by and I have no idea where the time went.

Next thing that is stressing me out - my relationship. Right now things are ok, hubby and I are seeing eye-to-eye and that's always a good thing. But as mentioned before, we went through a rough patch and we decided mutually to work things out. I don't want to rush things but I have a strange feeling he thinks things are moving too smoothly. The chorus to today's song goes

"Maybe you say you still want me
Maybe you say that you don’t
Maybe we said it was over
Baby I can’t let you go"

Romantic as it sounds, it sums up with hubby thinks. Which is sweet but it still worries me.. Not for anything, but I know I do care for him but is it love? Is it not wanting to be lonely? I have no idea...I don't want to lie to him with my emotions but I am confused.. And we've been spending a lot of time together and I don't want him to think I do not care when I want some time alone or with other friends... Ugh, bad situation to be in... I think that calls for a post on its own :)

Then my work regarding my writing is bothering me too.. I love writing but for some reason, I am stressing about it.. this is not a good sign either...

Small one's birthday is coming up - so far this hasn't stressed me out.. Thought the best thing would be start planning this after next week, maybe the dust from everything else will settle and I can concentrate on that.. The good thing is, he's a patient kid and so far things are working out ok on that front.

Like the expression goes, when it rains, it pours and stress is definitely gushing out of me.. But it feels like I am the only one stressing.. Hmmm.. maybe its time to see the psychologist again :) Well, its better a shrink than a class of vodka, don't you think?

Maybe - Enrique Iglesias

Mama you know I love you

All over the social networks and text messages, and the endless advertising today, the theme of Mother's Day cannot be escaped. Yes, its completely over-rated but I totally bought into it today. From taking my little guy to see Rio to going with the hubby and my mother to lunch, we totally sucked into the blatant commercialism which is Mother's Day. Even though we should love our mothers every single day, it does take an expensive lunch and a few classes of wine to really appreciate one's mother.

Mothers are a peculiar bunch - I should know, since I am one too. But we seriously are. I love my mother, although she and I have had our share of issues, and continue to do so. Maybe its a weird psychological competition between mothers and daughters, but its a common thing I have seen. Mothers are constantly putting down their daughters, "You are too fat/thin.. You don't listen to me.. You have no idea how to do.. ". Mothers constantly complain about you... But you know, at the end of the day, they are proud of you and do love you grudgingly.

Now being a mother myself, I can see things from a different perspective. I know why my mother said and did the things she did, although there are certain things I still do not get. But being a mother to a son seems to be very different. I tend to be more laidback to certain things and not as worried. But the protectiveness I feel is akin to a lionness protecting her cubs. I know if someone even harms one little hair off my boy, these cute gloves are coming off and someone will pay!

Anyway, to those mothers out there, Happy Mothers Day and hope you spent a day with the people you love.
Mama - Boyz II Men

Don't stop till the morning

No, its nothing like what you are thinking - I know my past posts seem a bit questionable but today is G-rated.

As you may figure, I love to write... Whether it be writing blog posts, or magazine articles, I really do enjoy writing. I used to write for a number of publications but writer's block set in and I stopped writing.. and for some reason, now, the ideas seemed to flow out of me like a river, gushing out of me like an open wound.

So, what does a budding writer do? Find a freelance writing position, which I did and got. Which is great, but the bit I did not expect - assignment DEADLINES. I actually do enjoy the writing but the deadlines, not so much. Now I have 10 assignments to do by Monday, and of course, without doing that, I am writing blog entries.. Very productive, I do realize but "Procrastination" seems to be my middle name...

I also applied for a position online - which again, I got. But the kicker, it is for a porn site :) Basically I get to look at lovely pictures and describe them. I never thought you get paid for it, but apparently you do... Hey, if forgetting morals means I get paid in US Dollars, why not... But I have a question for those in cyberspace. I would be getting paid via Paypal. Would I need a local bank which has credit card facilities or can I get monies into a savings account? Of course, it would have to be one that accepts US Dollars, right? How would Paypal work in this aspect? Although I may be a great writer (haha!), my technological understanding is a bit rusty. If someone can help out, I would be much appreciative. Otherwise, I would have to talk to the bank on Monday...

Anyway, wish me luck on my new endeavors..

Push - Enrique Iglesias

Give me everything tonight for all we know, we might not have tomorrow

Ranuka, one of my readers brought up an interesting topic - hooking up. This has been used back and forth and it's an interesting topic. Not because of the physical aspect but the whole concept. One can hook up with a boyfriend/girlfriend, that's acceptable but having a friends-with-benefits relationship, not so much.

Personally, I like the idea of a friends-with-benefits idea - everyone really does benefit. The comfort of a physical relationship without all the messiness of an emotional connection, but like most ideas, it is not always practical. And like most ideas, you need a game plan, and I am quite happy to provide one :-

To be an effective f*** buddy, one must not have any sort of emotional connection. Do not try and be friends with this particular friend. Being friends will automatically get you an emotional connection and if you have that, the point of being friends-with-benefits does loose its benefits.

This includes no power struggles, sense of ego and so on. Do not try and figure things out in a rational manner, just know this is what you are using each other for, and that's it. Once you start analyzing your role is, what the other person thinks of you, you are creating an emotional attachment and that is never good for this type of relationship nor your own ego.

Talking about ego, in this, you have NO ego. You are in this situation not because you wanted a relationship or that you deserve one, it is because you just want to enjoy the physical aspects of being with someone. That's all. Do not expect anything more.

Remember, this is a low maintainence relationship - if you cannot make this work, your partner will figure it out and move on. It is not very complicated as long as you do not allow yourself to get involved.

Give me everything tonight - Ne-yo

Let's remove the space between me and you

One thing I really don't understand with men (along with the many things I don't understand about them) is why they are so complicated? I mean, usually much is said about us women's fickle nature ("What do women really want?) but I think the more confused sex is definitely the male.

No, this is not going to be an entirely male-bashing phase. Let me illustrate my case in point :-

I have this friend Apple* (name changed for obvious reasons) - he and I used to have a physical relationship and I would like to think we were and still are friends. But he has this annoying tendency to be friendly one day, and just ignore me the next. Mind you, we used to meet almost every day since we knew many of the same people. Of course, no one knew of our relationship as both of us were supposed to be involved with other people - no one said we were saints - so it was not like any different to just hanging out with friends. Now, I am not asking to basically make out with me every time we meet, but at least treat me like a human being once in a while wouldn't hurt, right?

The kicker is, he tells one of my best friends about his relationships with other women and not me. Not that I would be jealous, actually it wouldn't bother me - I am open that way, and that's really his business. But he knows my friend would tell me but still acts like a complete angel.

However, after much deliberation and thought, I figured he does this because he thinks that I would be a jealous person and I would get upset about it... Honestly, men - you can talk to us women about it and be straight. We wouldn't get upset about things like this. At least I wouldn't.

Also, men are more of emotional wrecks that us girls. We get a lot of flack - crying at romantic movies (come on, i've even cried for quite a few - PS I love you, Phantom of the Opera, The English Patient), worrying about many things. But men - I doubt you could handle the amount of stress we go through and still keep a straight face. I know for a fact, guy friends of mine who have made such an issue of a little cold ("I am going to get pneumonia for sure") whereas I've had a kid, dealt with surgery, balanced my checkbook all without the drama.

Groceries - honey, no offence men would need more than a shopping list to get through that. We can finish up the groceries and cook dinner by the time you men come from the supermarket. I see so many clueless husbands wandering through the aisles, one hand grasping the shopping list ripped off a notepad with an obviously ladies handwriting, the other hand pushing the shopping cart, looking like he is residing in hell. However, shopping for electronic goods - telephones, televisions, even fridges seems a happier expedition anytime anywhere.

The worst thing a woman can do for her man is definitely take them clothes shopping. I feel so bad for the poor hapless boyfriends trailing after their women, baskets and bags in hand. Ladies, they have absolutely no interest in doing this, they do not understand clothing construction (unless they are in the clothing business) - they are only doing this because
a) they really want to get into your good books
b) there is possibly a guy's section in the shop and they hope you will return the favor
c) they want to sleep with you like... straight after
d) a friend of theirs is meeting them later on at the store or somewhere close by

I do believe there are certain jobs for women and men - I don't mean it in a sexist way, but sometimes things should be done either by a man or a woman. The risk of conflict is much less and I am sure relationships would last longer way more.

I do realize, after reading my post, I did digress a lot. But as my title suggests, by removing the space between men and women - we all can eventually get along.

Tonight (I'm loving or f****** you) - Enrique Iglesias

Two princes kneel before you

What would it be like to be married to two people - one who loves you unconditionally, buys you lots of presents, makes you feel like the most beautiful woman in the world? The other, an angry young man, who finds you repulsive, gets mad for the slightest infraction, throws your stuff out of the balcony window and locks you out of your home. Now imagine, they are both inhabiting the same person. That is what it is like, living with a person who suffers from Bipolar Disorder. How do I know, my husband has this condition.

We've seen doctors, psychologists, name it, we've seen them. Its not easy, seeing the man you love like this. However, after 5 years now together, we decided to seek counselling and see if we can actually make a life together or seperate as friends. I only want what is best for us and our 4 year old son who is confused about all of this but I know he wants what is best for him and us.

Our situation is unique in the sense, we do have a lot of support from our parents and family but at the end of the day, it comes down to the three of us, can we manage? But along with the disorder, comes personality clashes and conflicts and that is never good either. Marriage is hard enough but when you got this battle on your hands, it is made even harder.

This post is not meant for sympathy for me, but for empathy for the many men and women who do have partners who have this condition. There is hope, but one has to be very patient and just have a lot of faith.

More later...

Two Princes - Spin Doctors

I will survive, no matter what you do

Sometimes the biggest enemy to ourselves is... ourselves.. we can be our harshest critic, cruelest tormentor, strongest bully... why, maybe because the person who truly knows who we are.. is ourselves.. circular argument do i do realize, but do bear with me for a moment...

We all have challenges to face, our crosses to bear.. but its the way we face up to these challenges is what defines us as individuals.. i know i do realize i sound like a rip-off a comic book, but think about it.. we mere humans do not face extraordinary decisions or choices on a day-to-day basis, we all face the same issues, really.. whether it be choices about our work, morals, values, love, children, the options are endless, we all go through the same things.. and no matter how many people we ask, how much advise we seek, we end up taking a choice not based on the public/private polls we have taken.. oh no, we take that choice all on our own judgment.. at the end of the day, whatever decision we take, we cannot blame anyone for it, but ourselves..

For example, smoking in highschool. Everyone did it, at one point or the other. But no one puts that cigarette in your mouth except your own hand. You can always say no and walk away.. but the smell of the smoke, the coolness of it all.. those are all superficial attractions, but at the end of the day, you make that decision to take that puff..

Of course, we all have the voices in our head - the angel and the demon that seems to guide us along our way... and there's a third voice - our own that seems to balance all these conversations.. I am sure if a psychologist heard me, he/she would think I need some medication and I am sure I would need some, but I truly believe thats the case..

Talking about decisions, whoever said every choice is a "yes or no" decision was clearly off his head and THAT is a person who needs medication... most choices are gray areas.. For example, I have a friend who's single but is having a relationship with a married woman. He loves her, loves her kids.. but knows she won't ever leave her husband to be with him because he is not financially stable.. He wants her, and knows she loves him too but he doesn't know what to do. Others in this situation would think, "Pathetic man, he can easily find another girl, who has less issues and settle down" but for him, this is a huge decision.

No one can judge another person's situation, for that person, it could be a big deal but for another, it could just be just another day. That's why I say, we are our own worst critic..

Like I mentioned in a previous post, we weave our own destiny, in the quilt called Life. Every choice leads us to another fork and the decisions we make or take will lead us to another place and another, and we continue going. But whether we make the right choices, or wrong, is truly up to us and how we react and deal with it. And hopefully we will be able to live with ourselves after making that choice.

I will survive - Enrique Iglesias

When you're like a single flower whose colours have turned to shades of gray Well hang on, and be strong

Highschool is a terrifying time, full of hormones, stress, and new realizations.. it shouldn't have to be more scary with bullying... I was lucky enough not to be bullied, mostly because I not only kept to a few good friends but also I was able to verbally fight back. But I know of friends who were, and I hope I was there for them when I was. I tried to help them fight back and I know some managed to beat and succeed and become stronger people but alas, there were some that didn't manage to tolerate it either.

One of my best friends at the time, Angela* (name changed for privacy) had an awful time. She was blessed with an angelic face and personality, and a talent for art but unfortunately she was constantly told by her parents "Art will not make you a success in life..." She was also bullied because she was pretty and shy. Eventually she left the school, went abroad and later I found out she ended up with bulimia and bipolar disorder. Now, many years later, I heard recently she has taken up art again and is pursuing her dream.

I guess she is one of the lucky ones. I hope to all those who are bullied, do have faith and things do get better. I only hope you have someone who can support you, whether it be a parent, a sibling, or a friend. Just reach out and you never know who will be there. Or reach out to me, I will be there.

Be strong - Delta Goodrem

Stay here tonight

Corny but true... sometimes it just takes three words to make your world go round... Not "I love you" but "stay here tonight"... I am not condoning casual sex, rather the concept of just being wanted...

The idea of love has been overrated and overused. Love seems to be this mystical sappy syrup that is lapped by doe-eyed lovelies not mere mortals like ourselves. In my humble opinion, love is the acceptance and tolerance of two people, taking in their faults and idiosyncrasies and making them into something beautiful that only those two people can understand. That to me is real love...

Going back to the idea of "stay here tonight".. The lyrics of the song read,

"I don't want you to
I don't want you to leave, Yeah!

Stay here tonight, stay here tonight
Cause when your around me,
Everything's right, don't go!
Oh, don't leave me alone..

I need you, I need you...

You grab your coat and I'm dying
But I know that you’re still deciding, Yeah!
Cause nobody’s moving

Time stops and everything’s quiet
I'm hanging on for my life and you
You don't even see it!

Then you come in closer
And baby it's not over
Till I hear you say, till I hear you say
Goodnight"

Maybe I am feeling overly sentimental but for me, that's more precious than the sappy confectionary sugary concept of love that is manufactured in most media.. Or the in-your-face sexual tones in most music.. Just two people who cant let go of each other and just want to be with each other... can't bear to be apart.. that's romance folks...

I am sure I overthink things, I am only human, afterall.. I had a weekend with a certain someone, away from family and friends... we ended up in a foreign country and I swear, it was the happiest 3 days I've had in a long time. I know I wasn't in love and I am sure he wasn't in love with me but we had conversation, amazing sex (come on, what else can you do with 3 days and hormones raging... watch tv?!)and we were just ourselves.. Of course, later on I found out he had another girlfriend and he was going through issues with her and I just happened to be there... But still, that won't erase the feeling of openness and just acceptance I felt for 3 days.. We talked about everything, ourselves, politics, the news at the time, food... it was great. I just hope he felt the same way, and maybe in some way he changed thanks to that weekend. I know I did, because after that weekend, I realized I do deserve better and I need to move on..

Moving on is another story for another day..

Stay here tonight - Enrique Iglesias

For some reason, I can't explain... I know St. Peter won't call my name

The other day, I was thinking, if I ever met St. Peter, what would I tell him? I am no scientist, I didn't discover a cure for cancer, I didn't broker a peace agreement between two warring nations, I am just an ordinary person..

Granted, I have gone through less-than-ideal circumstances, what makes me different to anyone else? Does life work in a linear sequence - are we all on the same destination but we just happen to take different roads? Or is everyone's life truly different and the possibilities are endless? Are our lives already mapped up for us, like horoscope readers like us to believe - what ever we do or say, we still will end up in the path of our destiny? Or are we the masters of our destinies?

People we meet too, I truly believe we meet them for a reason... maybe it is to fulfill some emptiness in us, maybe it is a warning sign to guide us in the right way, maybe they serve as advisers to help us in our journey, or maybe they are just there to be there for us when we need them.. Sometimes people come at the right time, but of course, people always do show up when you don't need them too..

Events too, they happen for a reason.. life's experiences seem to serve as one big book of Aesop's fables, to teach you lessons for the future. I don't mean other people's experiences, we all know we never take other people's advise unless it applies to us in some positive way. I mean, our own experiences... I truly believe, we will never learn from our own mistakes unless we go through the experience ourselves.

I know I've not been the perfect person, but I have tried my best to be the best person I can be to the people around me... my intentions may not always be moral or perfect or sane for that matter, but I've always tried to do my best under the circumstances.. I only hope that will be enough when Judgment Day comes around

Viva la Vida - Coldplay

Little Girl

These lyrics seems poignant right now.. Not a good day to be me, at the moment..
"Little girl" lyrics:

Little girl
Kisses her mom
Tells her I love you
Holds on to her hand

Little girl doesn’t have much
She walks with a smile
She’s so full of life

But she cries in the night
Just trying to hold on
No one can hear
She’s all alone

This little girl closes her eyes
All that she wants
Is someone to love
Someone to love

Little girl
She’s all grown up
Oh she’s getting famous
She’s a big star

Little girl
Fights with her mom
Can’t believe money
Changed who she loved

And she cries in the night
Just trying to hold on
But no one can hear
She’s all alone

This little girl closes her eyes
All that she wants
Is someone to love oh yeah
Someone to love oh yeah

She cries in the night
Just trying to hold on
No one can hear
She’s all alone

This little girl closes her eyes
All that she wants
Is someone to love (someone)
Someone to love (someone)
To love (someone)"

Little Girl - Enrique Iglesias

Tired of Being Sorry

I do realize this is an odd way of starting a blog but here it is... I've started and stopped many blogs and I am hoping I will be able to continue this one... I've gone through too much heartache and too many issues, I hope this will help me deal with my problems better.. Hopefully someone who reads this will understand and not reject my ramblings..

We go through defined chapters in our lives, our childhood, adolescence, college, marriage, having a child... We have expectations on how the story will go, and we seem to gravitate towards it... but it never ends up the way we want it to end.. sometimes we don’t have that happy ending that we long for... how do we loose our way? Is it due to our own dogged insistence for things to end up the way we want things to go, we loose our way? Or is this the path to our chapters, confused and misguided but we end up where we want to be?

I have no idea.. but hopefully there is salvation at the end of the tunnel..

Tired of being Sorry - Enrique Iglesias