You spin my head right round, right round

Things are so hectic over here.. Between tons of work, the shop coming up and small man's birthday, I am totally torn mentally, emotionally and financially... SO much stuff, and it feels like everything is happening at the same time.. I am sure people revel in chaotic situations, unfortunately I am not one of them. I prefer my problems, one at a time, thank you very much.

More to come soon

Right Round - Flo Rida

I don't have the heart

Is it possible to fall out of love with someone and fall into the valley of 'like'? I look at you, sitting across the table from me, and sigh to myself... I know in my heart, that we are on two different sides of the ocean - you love me, not because of me but because you have no one else, and I, i don't know what to do... The worst thing is, to be stuck here and in a position where you don't know what to do. Two different personalities, two different views...

I want to love you, i really do but i know it wont be true to you.. Its not that i didn't try, i truly did and now, i don't know whats left. You may think i have led you on, you may think i have someone else, but i truly don't.. but i cant handle 'us' anymore.

the accusations you throw at me, I just have to accept and leave aside. i shouldn't have to justify what i have done and you have no right to make me feel bad for being me. Should I?

There are times you make it easy for me to hate you, does that make it easier for you to hate me? I have always tried to do right by you and right by me, but should i have to feel guilty when i have done nothing wrong?

i have cried so much, and just when i think i don't have tears left, they spring up again like water rising from dried up spouts, and gush down into puddles in my palms. but is it me, or is it you or is it something else entirely?

to answer your eternal question - "where did we go wrong?" - i guess the answer is, "where did we ever go right?" We looked for answers in places that wasn't there and we made up our responses to suit our situation. We needed another person in our lives, to fulfill the loneliness we felt. Unfortunately, we realized only now that this puzzle was not to be.

Love should not be hard, it should not be painful. And i am tired of love, I am tired of the sadness it brings. I know i am not perfect, i don't expect to be but i shouldn't have to feel bad for what and who i am, when i have done nothing wrong to warrant it. But its a long road ahead and i will have to travel on it alone, dodging the accusations by all along its path, avoiding the traps of hatred and speed bumps of manipulation as they come along and somehow stay strong.

I don't have the heart - James Ingram

Sometimes we do need a laugh

The Golden Rule (Three-way) (C) SNL 2011



One of my favorite skits on SNL - "Bring it on down to..."

The second hand unwinds

There's nothing worse than feeling lost.. I think a close second is, knowing someone needs help, but nothing you can do will help. Both go hand in hand in the situation I am in today. Its hard to get into so I rather not go into it today.. But I just feel like there's no right answer to this issue. One is damned if you go with one decision, and screwed if you go with the other choice.

I know I am no saint, and certain choices I have made are questionable at most, but some scenarios in your life are just so difficult. I don't know. I hate feeling like I don't have an answer, and it just kills me that I cannot solve my problem.

Is it selfish to say, you don't love that person anymore? Because you cannot take care of them.. That nothing in your relationship makes sense.. The only reason to stay is the reason to go.. feeling so lost at the moment

This post, even though it is so short, took me 2-3 days to write. My mind is so confused and I have no idea whether I am coming or going.. Will be MIA for a wee while.

Time after Time - Cyndi Lauper

I need to know if what I'm doing is right

Don't we all.. I think in a previous posting, I said one of the most human traits we all share is the concept of reassurance. We never know whether what we are doing is right but reassurance that we are going on the right path, always helps.

I've had a crazy mind-bending weekend and its not of the good variety. Things between the hubby and me aren't that great, it has its moments of bliss and then doubt. Sometimes I feel someone with bipolar disorder. I don't know whether we are together because we have to be - I don't want him to go off the deep end without me, but with me, he has so many hopes and dreams that we will work out but honestly, we are so different. But also I want what's best for our child. Its such a catch-22, I really do not know what I should do. Should I be with someone who is mentally unstable but it will be good for my boy? Or should I do what's right for me and run the risk that something could happen to me/him/my son? I have no idea..

The thing is, anything can trigger him off.. Whether it is the mention of a guy friend, or my workouts at the gym, or just a casual conversation about work.. And the thing is, I am not someone who really filters what is in my mind, not exactly a redeeming quality I do realize (hence I have a blog where my entries are usually flow of thought - except for spell check). For example, when we went to see Thor, there was one particular scene where Thor is covered in mud. What is my reaction - I actually said out loud in front of my husband - "Now, I wish I could scrub that man off".. not exactly the smartest thing to do, but ladies, if you see that scene, you know what I am talking about.. yum.. Ok, I digress.. But see what I mean, not exactly smart but that can cause a wee bit of jealousy in him. Not that I know Chris Hemsworth personally and will actually wash the man, but the thought of it is enough to make him feel insecure.

I don't want to hurt him either, by staying around and pretending - is it fair to him (it may help him in the short run) or to me? Its a very frustrating situation. Now, this may sound like an excuse to party like a rock star and mess around, but honestly, its not. That's not what I want, I want to firstly be a good mother to my lovely boy. Later on, if I meet someone who I can imagine a future with, great.. if not, what to do. But I just want to be happy..

But being single and a mum, that's a scary situation too.. You meet all kinds of weirdos, believe me, they are the same ones who find me attractive (and no, I don't have a third eye, or extra limbs) and I rather not deal with that. Maybe I should join a book club or some intellectual organizations where I will meet more quality people? Hmmm I don't know... Or maybe I should just travel abroad a while, take my little guy and spend some time with family abroad. A change might do us all good?

I think what it is as well, we women tend to think about everyone else than ourselves.. we seem to be the lowest of our priorities. Everyone else's concerns are much more higher up on the list. I am guilty of this as well. But I don't know where this journey will take me...

Hmmm

Don't turn off the lights - Enrique Iglesias

And baby I'm lost at sea...

See, I am not all about the R-rated stuff... If you have a heart, I know you'll think this is cute as I do :-)

Cute - Stephen Jerzak

The best thing in life is free, but you can give it to the birds an' bees

Is it just me, or does our wallets eat our money? I swear, the minute I manage to get some cash into my hands, it just finishes in no time... Its not like I am a shopaholic, honestly, I am not.. my son even needs some new pants, and I haven't had the time to go shopping.. But with groceries, and bills, it never seems enough. Where does it all go?

Who ever said, the best things in life are free obviously did not live in SL. Even air, which is technically "free" is now polluted, and practically everyone is having some throat ailment.. So much for being free.

I read somewhere, that people are encouraged to grow their own vegetables in their gardens and someone had also said that that vegetables are going to be grown on the roadside. The kicker is, no one supposed to pick them up. Ok, one cannot even grow flowering bushes on the sides of their houses, because people will come along and collect the flowers for visits to the temple, and we expect vegetables to last? Come on, are our politicians that naive?

Cost of living is increasing at such a rate.. Vegetables, meats, fish - everything is up in price, and on the other side of the page, politicians are lamenting about malnutrition and high levels of sickness of people in this country. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see the link between these two factors...

I am sure I am not the only one who has lost complete faith in our political system.. I am trying not to take sides in the political debates in this country, not because I am a copout, its just a waste of time, because its only talk and no action here. But someone does need to stand up and say, look - people are getting poorer and are not able to feed their families. Especially the urban poor. In the villages, people are able to grow their vegetables, have their chickens roaming their yards and somehow can manage. You and I, with our fancy cars and Internet connections, will be able to somehow manage. But what about all the people who barely make enough to get a packet of milk for their kids.

The best thing is, they end up voting for the same idiots who roam around in big cars and entourages, guzzling and belching gasoline all over the streets and accept handouts from everyone. I thought they were supposed to work for the people, and the people do not end up working for them... So much for that!

I am sure with all the monies that is spent on road work, and development, we can focus on some of it to bring down subsidies or enable some scheme to make food stuffs cheaper for the normal person living here. Its not like the money for road works is going to good use, after one spell of rain, the roads are back to being damaged and messed up and closed off for more repairs.. hmmm

I need some money - John Lee Hooker