Don't we all.. I think in a previous posting, I said one of the most human traits we all share is the concept of reassurance. We never know whether what we are doing is right but reassurance that we are going on the right path, always helps.
I've had a crazy mind-bending weekend and its not of the good variety. Things between the hubby and me aren't that great, it has its moments of bliss and then doubt. Sometimes I feel someone with bipolar disorder. I don't know whether we are together because we have to be - I don't want him to go off the deep end without me, but with me, he has so many hopes and dreams that we will work out but honestly, we are so different. But also I want what's best for our child. Its such a catch-22, I really do not know what I should do. Should I be with someone who is mentally unstable but it will be good for my boy? Or should I do what's right for me and run the risk that something could happen to me/him/my son? I have no idea..
The thing is, anything can trigger him off.. Whether it is the mention of a guy friend, or my workouts at the gym, or just a casual conversation about work.. And the thing is, I am not someone who really filters what is in my mind, not exactly a redeeming quality I do realize (hence I have a blog where my entries are usually flow of thought - except for spell check). For example, when we went to see Thor, there was one particular scene where Thor is covered in mud. What is my reaction - I actually said out loud in front of my husband - "Now, I wish I could scrub that man off".. not exactly the smartest thing to do, but ladies, if you see that scene, you know what I am talking about.. yum.. Ok, I digress.. But see what I mean, not exactly smart but that can cause a wee bit of jealousy in him. Not that I know Chris Hemsworth personally and will actually wash the man, but the thought of it is enough to make him feel insecure.
I don't want to hurt him either, by staying around and pretending - is it fair to him (it may help him in the short run) or to me? Its a very frustrating situation. Now, this may sound like an excuse to party like a rock star and mess around, but honestly, its not. That's not what I want, I want to firstly be a good mother to my lovely boy. Later on, if I meet someone who I can imagine a future with, great.. if not, what to do. But I just want to be happy..
But being single and a mum, that's a scary situation too.. You meet all kinds of weirdos, believe me, they are the same ones who find me attractive (and no, I don't have a third eye, or extra limbs) and I rather not deal with that. Maybe I should join a book club or some intellectual organizations where I will meet more quality people? Hmmm I don't know... Or maybe I should just travel abroad a while, take my little guy and spend some time with family abroad. A change might do us all good?
I think what it is as well, we women tend to think about everyone else than ourselves.. we seem to be the lowest of our priorities. Everyone else's concerns are much more higher up on the list. I am guilty of this as well. But I don't know where this journey will take me...
Hmmm
Don't turn off the lights - Enrique Iglesias
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
And baby I'm lost at sea...
See, I am not all about the R-rated stuff... If you have a heart, I know you'll think this is cute as I do :-)
Cute - Stephen Jerzak
The best thing in life is free, but you can give it to the birds an' bees
Is it just me, or does our wallets eat our money? I swear, the minute I manage to get some cash into my hands, it just finishes in no time... Its not like I am a shopaholic, honestly, I am not.. my son even needs some new pants, and I haven't had the time to go shopping.. But with groceries, and bills, it never seems enough. Where does it all go?
Who ever said, the best things in life are free obviously did not live in SL. Even air, which is technically "free" is now polluted, and practically everyone is having some throat ailment.. So much for being free.
I read somewhere, that people are encouraged to grow their own vegetables in their gardens and someone had also said that that vegetables are going to be grown on the roadside. The kicker is, no one supposed to pick them up. Ok, one cannot even grow flowering bushes on the sides of their houses, because people will come along and collect the flowers for visits to the temple, and we expect vegetables to last? Come on, are our politicians that naive?
Cost of living is increasing at such a rate.. Vegetables, meats, fish - everything is up in price, and on the other side of the page, politicians are lamenting about malnutrition and high levels of sickness of people in this country. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see the link between these two factors...
I am sure I am not the only one who has lost complete faith in our political system.. I am trying not to take sides in the political debates in this country, not because I am a copout, its just a waste of time, because its only talk and no action here. But someone does need to stand up and say, look - people are getting poorer and are not able to feed their families. Especially the urban poor. In the villages, people are able to grow their vegetables, have their chickens roaming their yards and somehow can manage. You and I, with our fancy cars and Internet connections, will be able to somehow manage. But what about all the people who barely make enough to get a packet of milk for their kids.
The best thing is, they end up voting for the same idiots who roam around in big cars and entourages, guzzling and belching gasoline all over the streets and accept handouts from everyone. I thought they were supposed to work for the people, and the people do not end up working for them... So much for that!
I am sure with all the monies that is spent on road work, and development, we can focus on some of it to bring down subsidies or enable some scheme to make food stuffs cheaper for the normal person living here. Its not like the money for road works is going to good use, after one spell of rain, the roads are back to being damaged and messed up and closed off for more repairs.. hmmm
I need some money - John Lee Hooker
Who ever said, the best things in life are free obviously did not live in SL. Even air, which is technically "free" is now polluted, and practically everyone is having some throat ailment.. So much for being free.
I read somewhere, that people are encouraged to grow their own vegetables in their gardens and someone had also said that that vegetables are going to be grown on the roadside. The kicker is, no one supposed to pick them up. Ok, one cannot even grow flowering bushes on the sides of their houses, because people will come along and collect the flowers for visits to the temple, and we expect vegetables to last? Come on, are our politicians that naive?
Cost of living is increasing at such a rate.. Vegetables, meats, fish - everything is up in price, and on the other side of the page, politicians are lamenting about malnutrition and high levels of sickness of people in this country. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see the link between these two factors...
I am sure I am not the only one who has lost complete faith in our political system.. I am trying not to take sides in the political debates in this country, not because I am a copout, its just a waste of time, because its only talk and no action here. But someone does need to stand up and say, look - people are getting poorer and are not able to feed their families. Especially the urban poor. In the villages, people are able to grow their vegetables, have their chickens roaming their yards and somehow can manage. You and I, with our fancy cars and Internet connections, will be able to somehow manage. But what about all the people who barely make enough to get a packet of milk for their kids.
The best thing is, they end up voting for the same idiots who roam around in big cars and entourages, guzzling and belching gasoline all over the streets and accept handouts from everyone. I thought they were supposed to work for the people, and the people do not end up working for them... So much for that!
I am sure with all the monies that is spent on road work, and development, we can focus on some of it to bring down subsidies or enable some scheme to make food stuffs cheaper for the normal person living here. Its not like the money for road works is going to good use, after one spell of rain, the roads are back to being damaged and messed up and closed off for more repairs.. hmmm
I need some money - John Lee Hooker
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
You've gotta give for what you take
For my 13th post (how lucky) - I thought I would talk about freedom.. Although by definition, it means being independent. But is anyone truly free? It seems freedom is a double-edged sword, choice of opportunity cost.. In order to get something, something else must be sacrificed.
I always use love/sex/marriage/friendship as examples but go with me on this... Before I got married and I am sure, like most single people out there, I had an idea what marriage was like. No, I wasn't completely naive to think that love would be ever-lasting and I would be singing my heart out in praises of my man 24/7... But I never imagined I would end up the way I am..
[Side note - I am always amused when I listen to single friends talk about the "praises" of marriage - "I would never cheat on my wife/husband.. I will be devoted to them..." Yes, unfortunately that is the tone initially but after day in and day out of being together, things change.. Being girlfriend and boyfriend is so very different than husband/wife.. Things get serious very fast - but this is a topic for another day]
Don't get me wrong, its not that I do not love hubby, like I said, we are working through our share of issues... But you will never always get everything you want in one person. You will never get the understanding without the jealousy, the faithful man etc. Every human has his/her weaknesses and I think marriage tends to bring the worst out of us.. Maybe its because we feel we can let our hair down since we have settled down... A good example is, most people tend to put on weight after they get married.. You can relax, no need to impress the other person.. So you just basically let yourself go... Not just physically but all your mental hangups come into view..
Now what does this have to do with freedom? Well, for example, I am a person who values my freedom. I need my space, my independence, my tendency to roam so to speak.. Yes, I am a mum and a wife, but there are days, I just want to be "me". So I sometimes sacrifice my time I could spend with my kid/hubby and go out with girlfriends and enjoy myself. That doesn't mean I don't love my family any less, its just that I need to do this to retain my sanity.
Or here's another hypothetical example. You can be happily married but your sex life could be going through a funky stage. You are not happy with your partner and wish you could spice it up a little. But you don't want to hurt your partner by suggesting that they should change their ways. So you look at other options - maybe have a friends-with-benefits on the side. Again, it doesn't mean you don't love your partner, maybe you need that change. But then are you willing to sacrifice your relationship by doing this? Yes, one side there is freedom and independence and who knows, maybe by adding some spice, you can revive your relationship. But on the other side, you can hurt your partner.. Of course, if that person doesn't find out, that's another story...
Freedom - George Michael
I always use love/sex/marriage/friendship as examples but go with me on this... Before I got married and I am sure, like most single people out there, I had an idea what marriage was like. No, I wasn't completely naive to think that love would be ever-lasting and I would be singing my heart out in praises of my man 24/7... But I never imagined I would end up the way I am..
[Side note - I am always amused when I listen to single friends talk about the "praises" of marriage - "I would never cheat on my wife/husband.. I will be devoted to them..." Yes, unfortunately that is the tone initially but after day in and day out of being together, things change.. Being girlfriend and boyfriend is so very different than husband/wife.. Things get serious very fast - but this is a topic for another day]
Don't get me wrong, its not that I do not love hubby, like I said, we are working through our share of issues... But you will never always get everything you want in one person. You will never get the understanding without the jealousy, the faithful man etc. Every human has his/her weaknesses and I think marriage tends to bring the worst out of us.. Maybe its because we feel we can let our hair down since we have settled down... A good example is, most people tend to put on weight after they get married.. You can relax, no need to impress the other person.. So you just basically let yourself go... Not just physically but all your mental hangups come into view..
Now what does this have to do with freedom? Well, for example, I am a person who values my freedom. I need my space, my independence, my tendency to roam so to speak.. Yes, I am a mum and a wife, but there are days, I just want to be "me". So I sometimes sacrifice my time I could spend with my kid/hubby and go out with girlfriends and enjoy myself. That doesn't mean I don't love my family any less, its just that I need to do this to retain my sanity.
Or here's another hypothetical example. You can be happily married but your sex life could be going through a funky stage. You are not happy with your partner and wish you could spice it up a little. But you don't want to hurt your partner by suggesting that they should change their ways. So you look at other options - maybe have a friends-with-benefits on the side. Again, it doesn't mean you don't love your partner, maybe you need that change. But then are you willing to sacrifice your relationship by doing this? Yes, one side there is freedom and independence and who knows, maybe by adding some spice, you can revive your relationship. But on the other side, you can hurt your partner.. Of course, if that person doesn't find out, that's another story...
Freedom - George Michael
Monday, May 9, 2011
I walk around trying to understand
So says the insomniac... Its almost 2am and I still cannot sleep.. I guess lots on my mind and here I am, on the blogosphere, trying to sort out my thoughts and emotions.. Don't judge, its not like there's many people up at this time...
Anyway, things I am trying to work through :-
I am currently relocating my clothing store - I have found a place (yay!) within my budget (double yay!) but still the negotiations are not finalized and I am hoping it will work out. Until that is done, I won't be able to organize the shop, which is stressing me out. Plus, I have to buy some stocks for the new place and again, I can't do that until the discussions are complete. I am temporarily moving into another spot, but again, that place isn't very organized either.. I have to organize "We are moving" brochures, but again until this place is confirmed, I cannot start on anything - major stress!!
The cause for the delay was due to a small surgery I had, but still it feels like time is just flying by and I have no idea where the time went.
Next thing that is stressing me out - my relationship. Right now things are ok, hubby and I are seeing eye-to-eye and that's always a good thing. But as mentioned before, we went through a rough patch and we decided mutually to work things out. I don't want to rush things but I have a strange feeling he thinks things are moving too smoothly. The chorus to today's song goes
"Maybe you say you still want me
Maybe you say that you don’t
Maybe we said it was over
Baby I can’t let you go"
Romantic as it sounds, it sums up with hubby thinks. Which is sweet but it still worries me.. Not for anything, but I know I do care for him but is it love? Is it not wanting to be lonely? I have no idea...I don't want to lie to him with my emotions but I am confused.. And we've been spending a lot of time together and I don't want him to think I do not care when I want some time alone or with other friends... Ugh, bad situation to be in... I think that calls for a post on its own :)
Then my work regarding my writing is bothering me too.. I love writing but for some reason, I am stressing about it.. this is not a good sign either...
Small one's birthday is coming up - so far this hasn't stressed me out.. Thought the best thing would be start planning this after next week, maybe the dust from everything else will settle and I can concentrate on that.. The good thing is, he's a patient kid and so far things are working out ok on that front.
Like the expression goes, when it rains, it pours and stress is definitely gushing out of me.. But it feels like I am the only one stressing.. Hmmm.. maybe its time to see the psychologist again :) Well, its better a shrink than a class of vodka, don't you think?
Maybe - Enrique Iglesias
Anyway, things I am trying to work through :-
I am currently relocating my clothing store - I have found a place (yay!) within my budget (double yay!) but still the negotiations are not finalized and I am hoping it will work out. Until that is done, I won't be able to organize the shop, which is stressing me out. Plus, I have to buy some stocks for the new place and again, I can't do that until the discussions are complete. I am temporarily moving into another spot, but again, that place isn't very organized either.. I have to organize "We are moving" brochures, but again until this place is confirmed, I cannot start on anything - major stress!!
The cause for the delay was due to a small surgery I had, but still it feels like time is just flying by and I have no idea where the time went.
Next thing that is stressing me out - my relationship. Right now things are ok, hubby and I are seeing eye-to-eye and that's always a good thing. But as mentioned before, we went through a rough patch and we decided mutually to work things out. I don't want to rush things but I have a strange feeling he thinks things are moving too smoothly. The chorus to today's song goes
"Maybe you say you still want me
Maybe you say that you don’t
Maybe we said it was over
Baby I can’t let you go"
Romantic as it sounds, it sums up with hubby thinks. Which is sweet but it still worries me.. Not for anything, but I know I do care for him but is it love? Is it not wanting to be lonely? I have no idea...I don't want to lie to him with my emotions but I am confused.. And we've been spending a lot of time together and I don't want him to think I do not care when I want some time alone or with other friends... Ugh, bad situation to be in... I think that calls for a post on its own :)
Then my work regarding my writing is bothering me too.. I love writing but for some reason, I am stressing about it.. this is not a good sign either...
Small one's birthday is coming up - so far this hasn't stressed me out.. Thought the best thing would be start planning this after next week, maybe the dust from everything else will settle and I can concentrate on that.. The good thing is, he's a patient kid and so far things are working out ok on that front.
Like the expression goes, when it rains, it pours and stress is definitely gushing out of me.. But it feels like I am the only one stressing.. Hmmm.. maybe its time to see the psychologist again :) Well, its better a shrink than a class of vodka, don't you think?
Maybe - Enrique Iglesias
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Mama you know I love you
All over the social networks and text messages, and the endless advertising today, the theme of Mother's Day cannot be escaped. Yes, its completely over-rated but I totally bought into it today. From taking my little guy to see Rio to going with the hubby and my mother to lunch, we totally sucked into the blatant commercialism which is Mother's Day. Even though we should love our mothers every single day, it does take an expensive lunch and a few classes of wine to really appreciate one's mother.
Mothers are a peculiar bunch - I should know, since I am one too. But we seriously are. I love my mother, although she and I have had our share of issues, and continue to do so. Maybe its a weird psychological competition between mothers and daughters, but its a common thing I have seen. Mothers are constantly putting down their daughters, "You are too fat/thin.. You don't listen to me.. You have no idea how to do..". Mothers constantly complain about you... But you know, at the end of the day, they are proud of you and do love you grudgingly.
Now being a mother myself, I can see things from a different perspective. I know why my mother said and did the things she did, although there are certain things I still do not get. But being a mother to a son seems to be very different. I tend to be more laidback to certain things and not as worried. But the protectiveness I feel is akin to a lionness protecting her cubs. I know if someone even harms one little hair off my boy, these cute gloves are coming off and someone will pay!
Anyway, to those mothers out there, Happy Mothers Day and hope you spent a day with the people you love.
Mama - Boyz II Men
Mothers are a peculiar bunch - I should know, since I am one too. But we seriously are. I love my mother, although she and I have had our share of issues, and continue to do so. Maybe its a weird psychological competition between mothers and daughters, but its a common thing I have seen. Mothers are constantly putting down their daughters, "You are too fat/thin.. You don't listen to me.. You have no idea how to do..
Now being a mother myself, I can see things from a different perspective. I know why my mother said and did the things she did, although there are certain things I still do not get. But being a mother to a son seems to be very different. I tend to be more laidback to certain things and not as worried. But the protectiveness I feel is akin to a lionness protecting her cubs. I know if someone even harms one little hair off my boy, these cute gloves are coming off and someone will pay!
Anyway, to those mothers out there, Happy Mothers Day and hope you spent a day with the people you love.
Mama - Boyz II Men
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Don't stop till the morning
No, its nothing like what you are thinking - I know my past posts seem a bit questionable but today is G-rated.
As you may figure, I love to write... Whether it be writing blog posts, or magazine articles, I really do enjoy writing. I used to write for a number of publications but writer's block set in and I stopped writing.. and for some reason, now, the ideas seemed to flow out of me like a river, gushing out of me like an open wound.
So, what does a budding writer do? Find a freelance writing position, which I did and got. Which is great, but the bit I did not expect - assignment DEADLINES. I actually do enjoy the writing but the deadlines, not so much. Now I have 10 assignments to do by Monday, and of course, without doing that, I am writing blog entries.. Very productive, I do realize but "Procrastination" seems to be my middle name...
I also applied for a position online - which again, I got. But the kicker, it is for a porn site :) Basically I get to look at lovely pictures and describe them. I never thought you get paid for it, but apparently you do... Hey, if forgetting morals means I get paid in US Dollars, why not... But I have a question for those in cyberspace. I would be getting paid via Paypal. Would I need a local bank which has credit card facilities or can I get monies into a savings account? Of course, it would have to be one that accepts US Dollars, right? How would Paypal work in this aspect? Although I may be a great writer (haha!), my technological understanding is a bit rusty. If someone can help out, I would be much appreciative. Otherwise, I would have to talk to the bank on Monday...
Anyway, wish me luck on my new endeavors..
Push - Enrique Iglesias
As you may figure, I love to write... Whether it be writing blog posts, or magazine articles, I really do enjoy writing. I used to write for a number of publications but writer's block set in and I stopped writing.. and for some reason, now, the ideas seemed to flow out of me like a river, gushing out of me like an open wound.
So, what does a budding writer do? Find a freelance writing position, which I did and got. Which is great, but the bit I did not expect - assignment DEADLINES. I actually do enjoy the writing but the deadlines, not so much. Now I have 10 assignments to do by Monday, and of course, without doing that, I am writing blog entries.. Very productive, I do realize but "Procrastination" seems to be my middle name...
I also applied for a position online - which again, I got. But the kicker, it is for a porn site :) Basically I get to look at lovely pictures and describe them. I never thought you get paid for it, but apparently you do... Hey, if forgetting morals means I get paid in US Dollars, why not... But I have a question for those in cyberspace. I would be getting paid via Paypal. Would I need a local bank which has credit card facilities or can I get monies into a savings account? Of course, it would have to be one that accepts US Dollars, right? How would Paypal work in this aspect? Although I may be a great writer (haha!), my technological understanding is a bit rusty. If someone can help out, I would be much appreciative. Otherwise, I would have to talk to the bank on Monday...
Anyway, wish me luck on my new endeavors..
Push - Enrique Iglesias
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