Ranuka, one of my readers brought up an interesting topic - hooking up. This has been used back and forth and it's an interesting topic. Not because of the physical aspect but the whole concept. One can hook up with a boyfriend/girlfriend, that's acceptable but having a friends-with-benefits relationship, not so much.
Personally, I like the idea of a friends-with-benefits idea - everyone really does benefit. The comfort of a physical relationship without all the messiness of an emotional connection, but like most ideas, it is not always practical. And like most ideas, you need a game plan, and I am quite happy to provide one :-
To be an effective f*** buddy, one must not have any sort of emotional connection. Do not try and be friends with this particular friend. Being friends will automatically get you an emotional connection and if you have that, the point of being friends-with-benefits does loose its benefits.
This includes no power struggles, sense of ego and so on. Do not try and figure things out in a rational manner, just know this is what you are using each other for, and that's it. Once you start analyzing your role is, what the other person thinks of you, you are creating an emotional attachment and that is never good for this type of relationship nor your own ego.
Talking about ego, in this, you have NO ego. You are in this situation not because you wanted a relationship or that you deserve one, it is because you just want to enjoy the physical aspects of being with someone. That's all. Do not expect anything more.
Remember, this is a low maintainence relationship - if you cannot make this work, your partner will figure it out and move on. It is not very complicated as long as you do not allow yourself to get involved.
Give me everything tonight - Ne-yo
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Let's remove the space between me and you
One thing I really don't understand with men (along with the many things I don't understand about them) is why they are so complicated? I mean, usually much is said about us women's fickle nature ("What do women really want?) but I think the more confused sex is definitely the male.
No, this is not going to be an entirely male-bashing phase. Let me illustrate my case in point :-
I have this friend Apple* (name changed for obvious reasons) - he and I used to have a physical relationship and I would like to think we were and still are friends. But he has this annoying tendency to be friendly one day, and just ignore me the next. Mind you, we used to meet almost every day since we knew many of the same people. Of course, no one knew of our relationship as both of us were supposed to be involved with other people - no one said we were saints - so it was not like any different to just hanging out with friends. Now, I am not asking to basically make out with me every time we meet, but at least treat me like a human being once in a while wouldn't hurt, right?
The kicker is, he tells one of my best friends about his relationships with other women and not me. Not that I would be jealous, actually it wouldn't bother me - I am open that way, and that's really his business. But he knows my friend would tell me but still acts like a complete angel.
However, after much deliberation and thought, I figured he does this because he thinks that I would be a jealous person and I would get upset about it... Honestly, men - you can talk to us women about it and be straight. We wouldn't get upset about things like this. At least I wouldn't.
Also, men are more of emotional wrecks that us girls. We get a lot of flack - crying at romantic movies (come on, i've even cried for quite a few - PS I love you, Phantom of the Opera, The English Patient), worrying about many things. But men - I doubt you could handle the amount of stress we go through and still keep a straight face. I know for a fact, guy friends of mine who have made such an issue of a little cold ("I am going to get pneumonia for sure") whereas I've had a kid, dealt with surgery, balanced my checkbook all without the drama.
Groceries - honey, no offence men would need more than a shopping list to get through that. We can finish up the groceries and cook dinner by the time you men come from the supermarket. I see so many clueless husbands wandering through the aisles, one hand grasping the shopping list ripped off a notepad with an obviously ladies handwriting, the other hand pushing the shopping cart, looking like he is residing in hell. However, shopping for electronic goods - telephones, televisions, even fridges seems a happier expedition anytime anywhere.
The worst thing a woman can do for her man is definitely take them clothes shopping. I feel so bad for the poor hapless boyfriends trailing after their women, baskets and bags in hand. Ladies, they have absolutely no interest in doing this, they do not understand clothing construction (unless they are in the clothing business) - they are only doing this because
a) they really want to get into your good books
b) there is possibly a guy's section in the shop and they hope you will return the favor
c) they want to sleep with you like... straight after
d) a friend of theirs is meeting them later on at the store or somewhere close by
I do believe there are certain jobs for women and men - I don't mean it in a sexist way, but sometimes things should be done either by a man or a woman. The risk of conflict is much less and I am sure relationships would last longer way more.
I do realize, after reading my post, I did digress a lot. But as my title suggests, by removing the space between men and women - we all can eventually get along.
Tonight (I'm loving or f****** you) - Enrique Iglesias
No, this is not going to be an entirely male-bashing phase. Let me illustrate my case in point :-
I have this friend Apple* (name changed for obvious reasons) - he and I used to have a physical relationship and I would like to think we were and still are friends. But he has this annoying tendency to be friendly one day, and just ignore me the next. Mind you, we used to meet almost every day since we knew many of the same people. Of course, no one knew of our relationship as both of us were supposed to be involved with other people - no one said we were saints - so it was not like any different to just hanging out with friends. Now, I am not asking to basically make out with me every time we meet, but at least treat me like a human being once in a while wouldn't hurt, right?
The kicker is, he tells one of my best friends about his relationships with other women and not me. Not that I would be jealous, actually it wouldn't bother me - I am open that way, and that's really his business. But he knows my friend would tell me but still acts like a complete angel.
However, after much deliberation and thought, I figured he does this because he thinks that I would be a jealous person and I would get upset about it... Honestly, men - you can talk to us women about it and be straight. We wouldn't get upset about things like this. At least I wouldn't.
Also, men are more of emotional wrecks that us girls. We get a lot of flack - crying at romantic movies (come on, i've even cried for quite a few - PS I love you, Phantom of the Opera, The English Patient), worrying about many things. But men - I doubt you could handle the amount of stress we go through and still keep a straight face. I know for a fact, guy friends of mine who have made such an issue of a little cold ("I am going to get pneumonia for sure") whereas I've had a kid, dealt with surgery, balanced my checkbook all without the drama.
Groceries - honey, no offence men would need more than a shopping list to get through that. We can finish up the groceries and cook dinner by the time you men come from the supermarket. I see so many clueless husbands wandering through the aisles, one hand grasping the shopping list ripped off a notepad with an obviously ladies handwriting, the other hand pushing the shopping cart, looking like he is residing in hell. However, shopping for electronic goods - telephones, televisions, even fridges seems a happier expedition anytime anywhere.
The worst thing a woman can do for her man is definitely take them clothes shopping. I feel so bad for the poor hapless boyfriends trailing after their women, baskets and bags in hand. Ladies, they have absolutely no interest in doing this, they do not understand clothing construction (unless they are in the clothing business) - they are only doing this because
a) they really want to get into your good books
b) there is possibly a guy's section in the shop and they hope you will return the favor
c) they want to sleep with you like... straight after
d) a friend of theirs is meeting them later on at the store or somewhere close by
I do believe there are certain jobs for women and men - I don't mean it in a sexist way, but sometimes things should be done either by a man or a woman. The risk of conflict is much less and I am sure relationships would last longer way more.
I do realize, after reading my post, I did digress a lot. But as my title suggests, by removing the space between men and women - we all can eventually get along.
Tonight (I'm loving or f****** you) - Enrique Iglesias
Two princes kneel before you
What would it be like to be married to two people - one who loves you unconditionally, buys you lots of presents, makes you feel like the most beautiful woman in the world? The other, an angry young man, who finds you repulsive, gets mad for the slightest infraction, throws your stuff out of the balcony window and locks you out of your home. Now imagine, they are both inhabiting the same person. That is what it is like, living with a person who suffers from Bipolar Disorder. How do I know, my husband has this condition.
We've seen doctors, psychologists, name it, we've seen them. Its not easy, seeing the man you love like this. However, after 5 years now together, we decided to seek counselling and see if we can actually make a life together or seperate as friends. I only want what is best for us and our 4 year old son who is confused about all of this but I know he wants what is best for him and us.
Our situation is unique in the sense, we do have a lot of support from our parents and family but at the end of the day, it comes down to the three of us, can we manage? But along with the disorder, comes personality clashes and conflicts and that is never good either. Marriage is hard enough but when you got this battle on your hands, it is made even harder.
This post is not meant for sympathy for me, but for empathy for the many men and women who do have partners who have this condition. There is hope, but one has to be very patient and just have a lot of faith.
More later...
Two Princes - Spin Doctors
We've seen doctors, psychologists, name it, we've seen them. Its not easy, seeing the man you love like this. However, after 5 years now together, we decided to seek counselling and see if we can actually make a life together or seperate as friends. I only want what is best for us and our 4 year old son who is confused about all of this but I know he wants what is best for him and us.
Our situation is unique in the sense, we do have a lot of support from our parents and family but at the end of the day, it comes down to the three of us, can we manage? But along with the disorder, comes personality clashes and conflicts and that is never good either. Marriage is hard enough but when you got this battle on your hands, it is made even harder.
This post is not meant for sympathy for me, but for empathy for the many men and women who do have partners who have this condition. There is hope, but one has to be very patient and just have a lot of faith.
More later...
Two Princes - Spin Doctors
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
I will survive, no matter what you do
Sometimes the biggest enemy to ourselves is... ourselves.. we can be our harshest critic, cruelest tormentor, strongest bully... why, maybe because the person who truly knows who we are.. is ourselves.. circular argument do i do realize, but do bear with me for a moment...
We all have challenges to face, our crosses to bear.. but its the way we face up to these challenges is what defines us as individuals.. i know i do realize i sound like a rip-off a comic book, but think about it.. we mere humans do not face extraordinary decisions or choices on a day-to-day basis, we all face the same issues, really.. whether it be choices about our work, morals, values, love, children, the options are endless, we all go through the same things.. and no matter how many people we ask, how much advise we seek, we end up taking a choice not based on the public/private polls we have taken.. oh no, we take that choice all on our own judgment.. at the end of the day, whatever decision we take, we cannot blame anyone for it, but ourselves..
For example, smoking in highschool. Everyone did it, at one point or the other. But no one puts that cigarette in your mouth except your own hand. You can always say no and walk away.. but the smell of the smoke, the coolness of it all.. those are all superficial attractions, but at the end of the day, you make that decision to take that puff..
Of course, we all have the voices in our head - the angel and the demon that seems to guide us along our way... and there's a third voice - our own that seems to balance all these conversations.. I am sure if a psychologist heard me, he/she would think I need some medication and I am sure I would need some, but I truly believe thats the case..
Talking about decisions, whoever said every choice is a "yes or no" decision was clearly off his head and THAT is a person who needs medication... most choices are gray areas.. For example, I have a friend who's single but is having a relationship with a married woman. He loves her, loves her kids.. but knows she won't ever leave her husband to be with him because he is not financially stable.. He wants her, and knows she loves him too but he doesn't know what to do. Others in this situation would think, "Pathetic man, he can easily find another girl, who has less issues and settle down" but for him, this is a huge decision.
No one can judge another person's situation, for that person, it could be a big deal but for another, it could just be just another day. That's why I say, we are our own worst critic..
Like I mentioned in a previous post, we weave our own destiny, in the quilt called Life. Every choice leads us to another fork and the decisions we make or take will lead us to another place and another, and we continue going. But whether we make the right choices, or wrong, is truly up to us and how we react and deal with it. And hopefully we will be able to live with ourselves after making that choice.
I will survive - Enrique Iglesias
We all have challenges to face, our crosses to bear.. but its the way we face up to these challenges is what defines us as individuals.. i know i do realize i sound like a rip-off a comic book, but think about it.. we mere humans do not face extraordinary decisions or choices on a day-to-day basis, we all face the same issues, really.. whether it be choices about our work, morals, values, love, children, the options are endless, we all go through the same things.. and no matter how many people we ask, how much advise we seek, we end up taking a choice not based on the public/private polls we have taken.. oh no, we take that choice all on our own judgment.. at the end of the day, whatever decision we take, we cannot blame anyone for it, but ourselves..
For example, smoking in highschool. Everyone did it, at one point or the other. But no one puts that cigarette in your mouth except your own hand. You can always say no and walk away.. but the smell of the smoke, the coolness of it all.. those are all superficial attractions, but at the end of the day, you make that decision to take that puff..
Of course, we all have the voices in our head - the angel and the demon that seems to guide us along our way... and there's a third voice - our own that seems to balance all these conversations.. I am sure if a psychologist heard me, he/she would think I need some medication and I am sure I would need some, but I truly believe thats the case..
Talking about decisions, whoever said every choice is a "yes or no" decision was clearly off his head and THAT is a person who needs medication... most choices are gray areas.. For example, I have a friend who's single but is having a relationship with a married woman. He loves her, loves her kids.. but knows she won't ever leave her husband to be with him because he is not financially stable.. He wants her, and knows she loves him too but he doesn't know what to do. Others in this situation would think, "Pathetic man, he can easily find another girl, who has less issues and settle down" but for him, this is a huge decision.
No one can judge another person's situation, for that person, it could be a big deal but for another, it could just be just another day. That's why I say, we are our own worst critic..
Like I mentioned in a previous post, we weave our own destiny, in the quilt called Life. Every choice leads us to another fork and the decisions we make or take will lead us to another place and another, and we continue going. But whether we make the right choices, or wrong, is truly up to us and how we react and deal with it. And hopefully we will be able to live with ourselves after making that choice.
I will survive - Enrique Iglesias
Monday, May 2, 2011
When you're like a single flower whose colours have turned to shades of gray Well hang on, and be strong
Highschool is a terrifying time, full of hormones, stress, and new realizations.. it shouldn't have to be more scary with bullying... I was lucky enough not to be bullied, mostly because I not only kept to a few good friends but also I was able to verbally fight back. But I know of friends who were, and I hope I was there for them when I was. I tried to help them fight back and I know some managed to beat and succeed and become stronger people but alas, there were some that didn't manage to tolerate it either.
One of my best friends at the time, Angela* (name changed for privacy) had an awful time. She was blessed with an angelic face and personality, and a talent for art but unfortunately she was constantly told by her parents "Art will not make you a success in life..." She was also bullied because she was pretty and shy. Eventually she left the school, went abroad and later I found out she ended up with bulimia and bipolar disorder. Now, many years later, I heard recently she has taken up art again and is pursuing her dream.
I guess she is one of the lucky ones. I hope to all those who are bullied, do have faith and things do get better. I only hope you have someone who can support you, whether it be a parent, a sibling, or a friend. Just reach out and you never know who will be there. Or reach out to me, I will be there.
Be strong - Delta Goodrem
Stay here tonight
Corny but true... sometimes it just takes three words to make your world go round... Not "I love you" but "stay here tonight"... I am not condoning casual sex, rather the concept of just being wanted...
The idea of love has been overrated and overused. Love seems to be this mystical sappy syrup that is lapped by doe-eyed lovelies not mere mortals like ourselves. In my humble opinion, love is the acceptance and tolerance of two people, taking in their faults and idiosyncrasies and making them into something beautiful that only those two people can understand. That to me is real love...
Going back to the idea of "stay here tonight".. The lyrics of the song read,
"I don't want you to
I don't want you to leave, Yeah!
Stay here tonight, stay here tonight
Cause when your around me,
Everything's right, don't go!
Oh, don't leave me alone..
I need you, I need you...
You grab your coat and I'm dying
But I know that you’re still deciding, Yeah!
Cause nobody’s moving
Time stops and everything’s quiet
I'm hanging on for my life and you
You don't even see it!
Then you come in closer
And baby it's not over
Till I hear you say, till I hear you say
Goodnight"
Maybe I am feeling overly sentimental but for me, that's more precious than the sappy confectionary sugary concept of love that is manufactured in most media.. Or the in-your-face sexual tones in most music.. Just two people who cant let go of each other and just want to be with each other... can't bear to be apart.. that's romance folks...
I am sure I overthink things, I am only human, afterall.. I had a weekend with a certain someone, away from family and friends... we ended up in a foreign country and I swear, it was the happiest 3 days I've had in a long time. I know I wasn't in love and I am sure he wasn't in love with me but we had conversation, amazing sex (come on, what else can you do with 3 days and hormones raging... watch tv?!)and we were just ourselves.. Of course, later on I found out he had another girlfriend and he was going through issues with her and I just happened to be there... But still, that won't erase the feeling of openness and just acceptance I felt for 3 days.. We talked about everything, ourselves, politics, the news at the time, food... it was great. I just hope he felt the same way, and maybe in some way he changed thanks to that weekend. I know I did, because after that weekend, I realized I do deserve better and I need to move on..
Moving on is another story for another day..
Stay here tonight - Enrique Iglesias
The idea of love has been overrated and overused. Love seems to be this mystical sappy syrup that is lapped by doe-eyed lovelies not mere mortals like ourselves. In my humble opinion, love is the acceptance and tolerance of two people, taking in their faults and idiosyncrasies and making them into something beautiful that only those two people can understand. That to me is real love...
Going back to the idea of "stay here tonight".. The lyrics of the song read,
"I don't want you to
I don't want you to leave, Yeah!
Stay here tonight, stay here tonight
Cause when your around me,
Everything's right, don't go!
Oh, don't leave me alone..
I need you, I need you...
You grab your coat and I'm dying
But I know that you’re still deciding, Yeah!
Cause nobody’s moving
Time stops and everything’s quiet
I'm hanging on for my life and you
You don't even see it!
Then you come in closer
And baby it's not over
Till I hear you say, till I hear you say
Goodnight"
Maybe I am feeling overly sentimental but for me, that's more precious than the sappy confectionary sugary concept of love that is manufactured in most media.. Or the in-your-face sexual tones in most music.. Just two people who cant let go of each other and just want to be with each other... can't bear to be apart.. that's romance folks...
I am sure I overthink things, I am only human, afterall.. I had a weekend with a certain someone, away from family and friends... we ended up in a foreign country and I swear, it was the happiest 3 days I've had in a long time. I know I wasn't in love and I am sure he wasn't in love with me but we had conversation, amazing sex (come on, what else can you do with 3 days and hormones raging... watch tv?!)and we were just ourselves.. Of course, later on I found out he had another girlfriend and he was going through issues with her and I just happened to be there... But still, that won't erase the feeling of openness and just acceptance I felt for 3 days.. We talked about everything, ourselves, politics, the news at the time, food... it was great. I just hope he felt the same way, and maybe in some way he changed thanks to that weekend. I know I did, because after that weekend, I realized I do deserve better and I need to move on..
Moving on is another story for another day..
Stay here tonight - Enrique Iglesias
For some reason, I can't explain... I know St. Peter won't call my name
The other day, I was thinking, if I ever met St. Peter, what would I tell him? I am no scientist, I didn't discover a cure for cancer, I didn't broker a peace agreement between two warring nations, I am just an ordinary person..
Granted, I have gone through less-than-ideal circumstances, what makes me different to anyone else? Does life work in a linear sequence - are we all on the same destination but we just happen to take different roads? Or is everyone's life truly different and the possibilities are endless? Are our lives already mapped up for us, like horoscope readers like us to believe - what ever we do or say, we still will end up in the path of our destiny? Or are we the masters of our destinies?
People we meet too, I truly believe we meet them for a reason... maybe it is to fulfill some emptiness in us, maybe it is a warning sign to guide us in the right way, maybe they serve as advisers to help us in our journey, or maybe they are just there to be there for us when we need them.. Sometimes people come at the right time, but of course, people always do show up when you don't need them too..
Events too, they happen for a reason.. life's experiences seem to serve as one big book of Aesop's fables, to teach you lessons for the future. I don't mean other people's experiences, we all know we never take other people's advise unless it applies to us in some positive way. I mean, our own experiences... I truly believe, we will never learn from our own mistakes unless we go through the experience ourselves.
I know I've not been the perfect person, but I have tried my best to be the best person I can be to the people around me... my intentions may not always be moral or perfect or sane for that matter, but I've always tried to do my best under the circumstances.. I only hope that will be enough when Judgment Day comes around
Viva la Vida - Coldplay
Granted, I have gone through less-than-ideal circumstances, what makes me different to anyone else? Does life work in a linear sequence - are we all on the same destination but we just happen to take different roads? Or is everyone's life truly different and the possibilities are endless? Are our lives already mapped up for us, like horoscope readers like us to believe - what ever we do or say, we still will end up in the path of our destiny? Or are we the masters of our destinies?
People we meet too, I truly believe we meet them for a reason... maybe it is to fulfill some emptiness in us, maybe it is a warning sign to guide us in the right way, maybe they serve as advisers to help us in our journey, or maybe they are just there to be there for us when we need them.. Sometimes people come at the right time, but of course, people always do show up when you don't need them too..
Events too, they happen for a reason.. life's experiences seem to serve as one big book of Aesop's fables, to teach you lessons for the future. I don't mean other people's experiences, we all know we never take other people's advise unless it applies to us in some positive way. I mean, our own experiences... I truly believe, we will never learn from our own mistakes unless we go through the experience ourselves.
I know I've not been the perfect person, but I have tried my best to be the best person I can be to the people around me... my intentions may not always be moral or perfect or sane for that matter, but I've always tried to do my best under the circumstances.. I only hope that will be enough when Judgment Day comes around
Viva la Vida - Coldplay
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