Sunday, May 15, 2011

I need to know if what I'm doing is right

Don't we all.. I think in a previous posting, I said one of the most human traits we all share is the concept of reassurance. We never know whether what we are doing is right but reassurance that we are going on the right path, always helps.

I've had a crazy mind-bending weekend and its not of the good variety. Things between the hubby and me aren't that great, it has its moments of bliss and then doubt. Sometimes I feel someone with bipolar disorder. I don't know whether we are together because we have to be - I don't want him to go off the deep end without me, but with me, he has so many hopes and dreams that we will work out but honestly, we are so different. But also I want what's best for our child. Its such a catch-22, I really do not know what I should do. Should I be with someone who is mentally unstable but it will be good for my boy? Or should I do what's right for me and run the risk that something could happen to me/him/my son? I have no idea..

The thing is, anything can trigger him off.. Whether it is the mention of a guy friend, or my workouts at the gym, or just a casual conversation about work.. And the thing is, I am not someone who really filters what is in my mind, not exactly a redeeming quality I do realize (hence I have a blog where my entries are usually flow of thought - except for spell check). For example, when we went to see Thor, there was one particular scene where Thor is covered in mud. What is my reaction - I actually said out loud in front of my husband - "Now, I wish I could scrub that man off".. not exactly the smartest thing to do, but ladies, if you see that scene, you know what I am talking about.. yum.. Ok, I digress.. But see what I mean, not exactly smart but that can cause a wee bit of jealousy in him. Not that I know Chris Hemsworth personally and will actually wash the man, but the thought of it is enough to make him feel insecure.

I don't want to hurt him either, by staying around and pretending - is it fair to him (it may help him in the short run) or to me? Its a very frustrating situation. Now, this may sound like an excuse to party like a rock star and mess around, but honestly, its not. That's not what I want, I want to firstly be a good mother to my lovely boy. Later on, if I meet someone who I can imagine a future with, great.. if not, what to do. But I just want to be happy..

But being single and a mum, that's a scary situation too.. You meet all kinds of weirdos, believe me, they are the same ones who find me attractive (and no, I don't have a third eye, or extra limbs) and I rather not deal with that. Maybe I should join a book club or some intellectual organizations where I will meet more quality people? Hmmm I don't know... Or maybe I should just travel abroad a while, take my little guy and spend some time with family abroad. A change might do us all good?

I think what it is as well, we women tend to think about everyone else than ourselves.. we seem to be the lowest of our priorities. Everyone else's concerns are much more higher up on the list. I am guilty of this as well. But I don't know where this journey will take me...


Don't turn off the lights - Enrique Iglesias

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